“Children of Men” Recut as the Darkest, Artiest Sitcom Ever

“Children of Men” Recut as the Darkest, Artiest Sitcom Ever
That's why you don't drink and live in a dystopian near-future -- you might spill your drink: Clive Owen in "Children of Men."
(Courtesy of Universal Pictures)

If you’ ve seen “Children of Men” — and really, you might have found the time by now — going back to the trailer feels a little like watching that rom-com-style “Shining” recut. This version, at least, sets up a little love story between Clive Owen and Julianne Moore, then morphs into Owen and earth’s sole fertile lady forming an odd couple and going on the run, complete with musical uplift. No judgement — it’s a trailer, and it was intended to lure people into a movie where, in fact, the ginger bombshell quickly gets shot through the neck, and in the end you’re left wondering whether humanity’s worth salvaging at all.

But if you want an ultra-concentrated dose of the blackness at the film’s center, we highly recommend the cut below, which isolates continuous shots of 45 seconds and up, and lasts about as long as an episode of “Two and a Half Men,” counting the ads. (You don’t DVR “Two and a Half Men,” do you?) The geek who made this did so anticipating director Alfonso Cuaron’s next project, “Gravity,” said to open with a take exceeding 17 minutes, and with a 45-second average for the shots overall. The folks at Indie Wire’s the Playlist blog point out that some of the long “Children” shots were composed of different takes, digitally massaged. Well, that’s why they leave you asking, what magic is this? Or, you know, reaching for the Quietus.